A blog.

As I sit here, listening to Katy Perry's "Firework", I feel like a plastic bag. I don't really talk about this, but in seventh and eighth grade, I had to deal with depression so bad that it nearly caused me to be held back in the eighth grade, seeing as my grades dropped faster than, well, I can't really think of anything that's fast... Give me a sec. Okay, my grades dropped faster than the experimental particles in the Large Hadron Collider. Lately, I feel like it's all coming back. I can't help but find a negative side of things, and I put a damper on every conversation. I don't feel like I have an irl friend that I can trust to talk about it, so I just don't. I don't and it hurts like hell. I spend most nights lying in bed, aimlessly wishing that I can just fall asleep and not have to think for a few hours. Needless to say, I've managed to be up for every Pottermore clue thus far. A blessing and a curse.

I'm not saying this for pity, I promise, but I just need to let it all out. I'm scared. I'm broken. I'm worried. I'm terrified. I swear I have no intention to do anything stupid, and I think my tattooless body is enough to prove that I am a wimp and in fear of pain. Besides, I'm already in enough.

I've been sick since the release of the final Harry Potter movie*, and as I show no signs of getting better, I'm going back to see my doctor tomorrow. If you haven't heard, I have "walking pneumonia", which is totally not helpful with everything else going on in my life. All I want in life right now is to get better. I realize that I am privileged and lucky, and today's holiday in Nerdfighteria has actually perked me up quite a bit. So if you're still reading this, I want to say that I love you. I sincerely love you, and am so grateful to have you in my life. It honestly means so much to me that people actually care about me, and you all bring out the very happiest parts of me, even when I feel like I'm in total darkness. So, thank you.

I don't feel up to doing the things I've tracked today, so they will hopefully make their return tomorrow. Until then, folks. And as always, RIA, Esther. <3



*God, it feels weird saying that. Scary.